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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying...
&
the other ensures you continue to do so.




Wife:What is 10 years with me?
Husband:A second.

Wife:What is $1000 for me?
Husband:A coin.

Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband:Wait a second


wife and husband messages


It is said that Husband is the head of the family,
But
Remember that wife is the Neck of the family.
& the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants. :)


* * * * *


When a married man says- "I'll think about it",
What he really means that,
He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.. :-P
Lolz


* * * * *


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


* * * * *


Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?


* * * * *


wife        : honey,what are you looking for?
husband  : nothing
wife        : why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ?
husband  : i was just looking for the expiry date


* * * * *


Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling , it means :-
With Idiot For Ever


* * * * *


A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.


* * * * *


HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE....


* * * * *


Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,
no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home..
Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive


* * * * *


A successful man is one
who makes more money
than
his wife can spend. 


* * * * *


Woman Buys A New Sim
Card Puts It In Her Phone
And Decides To Surprise Her
Husband Who Is Seated On
The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen,
Calls Her Husband With
The New Number:
"Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds
In A Low Tone:
"Let Me Call U Back
Later Honey, The Dumb
Lady Is In The Kitchen.. =P


wife and husband messages


A Husband & Wife Were
Arguing Over Some Issue.
After Much Of Discussion,
Wife Finally Said:
"Tell Me Dear ,
Do You Want To Win
OR
Do You Want To Be Happy . . ?
Argument Ended


* * * * *


A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking
Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club:
Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football With Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything , He's On The Darts Team
In My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again ?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy ,
You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday


* * * * *


A Husband said to his wife One day
"I don't know how you can be so stupid
&
so beautiful all at the same time"
The wife responded ,
"Allow me to explain,
God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me ;
God made me stupid
so I would be attracted to you !"


* * * * *


If you marry one woman,
She will fight with you.
But, if you marry 2 women,
They will fight for you.
Think different.
Add wife, have life :p



* * * * *


An Angry Wife To
Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ... ?"
Husband:
Darling You Remember That
Jewelery Shop Where You Saw
The Diamond Necklace n Totally
Fell In Love With It n I Didn't
Have Money That Time n I said
"Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing:
Yeah I Remember That My Love !


* * * * *


A man received d phone
from emergency room of hospital
Doctor: Your wife was in a fatal car
accident & I've bad n good news.
The bad news is,
She has lost both arms n legs n
will b on a respirator d rest of her life.
Man: 0h my God, whats the good
news?
Doctor: I'm kidding, She is Dead... =P =D


* * * * *


In an African Safari,A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE-Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA-Yes Yes.I'm changing d battery of my camera..


* * * * *

Husband throwing knives on wifes picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her
"Hi,wat ru doin?"
His honest reply,"MISSING U"


* * * * *


Chess says everything
about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.


wife and husband messages


Husband : I found Aladin's lamp today. :P
Wife : wow, what did u ask for darling ?? :D
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife : oh..darling..luv u so much.. :-*
Did he do that ??
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. :P :P


* * * * *


Police Officer: I arrest people, But, when I go home, I'm under house arrest, by Wife
Professor: I give lectures to students, But, when I go home, I get Lectured hourly, by wife
CEO: I'm the Boss, But, when I go home, I always feel like an employee, by wife
Judge: I give Justice, but when I go home, I Beg for Justice, by wife


* * * * *


Two Wise Advises for Married Peoples
Never laugh at your wife's choices...
(You are on of them...)
Never be Prouf of Your Choices...
(Your Wife is one of them...)


* * * * *


Boss hangs a poster in Office
"I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET"
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
"YoUr wife called, she wants her poster back home


* * * * *


Man outside phone booth: Excuse me !!
You are holding the phone since 20 mins.
&
haven't spoken a word..!!!
Man inside: I'm talking to my wife


* * * * *


A line written on a Husband's T shirt :
ALL GIRLS ARE DEVIL BUT MY WIFE IS QUEEN..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OF THEM..:-P



Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!! Why? Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!!



Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!


* * * * *


Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
Shetext back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".




A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Audience was in shock and silence..
He added: "she was my mother"
A big round of applause & laughter!
A very daring husbnd tried to crack this at home
After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker
by the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: don't copy if u can't paste!


* * *  * *


In newyork, a man was watching a movie at home
and suddenly shouts nooooooooooooo!! :'(
Don't go inside the church its a trap!!
Wife: what are u watching?
Man: our wedding DVD :p


* * * * *


Asian man will have a wife and a girlfriend
and will love his wife more.
A black man will have 2 wives and 5 girlfriends
 and will love his 1st wife more.
A white man will have 1 wife and 3 girlfriends
and will love his girlfriends more.
An Turkish man will have 1 wife and 4 girlfriends
and he still loves his mummy more.


If men behave after marriage the way they do before it, half the divorces won't take place.. On the other hand, If women behave before marriage the way they do after it, half the marriages won't take place ;)



If men behave after marriage the way they do before it,
half the divorces won't take place..
On the other hand,
If women behave before marriage the way they do after it,
half the marriages won't take place ;)


* * * * *


If you were my husband,
I would poison your coffee
If you were my wife
I would drink it.


* * * * *


Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s
"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them


* * * * *


Wife: I wish I was a newspaper
so I would be in ur hands allday.
Husband: I too wish that you were
a newspapers so I could have
a new one everyday.


* * * * *


An Airline Introduced
A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free
After Great Success,
The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives
Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...
"Which Trip ?"


* * * * *


A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what should i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake


* * * * *


Wife : I saw in my dream
that you were buying a diamond ring for me
 .
 .
 .
 Husband : i saw your dad paying bill


LOVE IS LIFE LIFE IS WIFE WIFE IS KNIFE  and  KNIFE IS DANGEROUS



LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE
and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS


* * * * *


Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?

Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.


* * * * *

A successful man is one
who makes more money
than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one
who can find such a man.


* * * * * *

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night
and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"

Man gets up, jumps out of the window,
hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"


* * * * *


5 funny facts of life

Having 1 child makes you a parent
but having 2 makes you a refree.
Marriage is a relationship in which 1 person is always right
and the other is always husband.
You can't buy love
but you pay heavily for it.
Wife and husband always compromise,
husband admits that he's wrong and wife too agrees with him.
Our language is called the mother tongue
because the father never gets a chance to Speak.!:p


* * * * *


Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend
 "U r my Best Friend"
But
Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
"U r my Best Wife?"


* * * * *


Wife: What is so interesting in me?
Husband: I dont know the meaning of interesting!!!


* * * * *


One million copies of a new book sold
 In just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title.
"An idea,that can change ur wife''
 While real word was(life).

* * * * *


Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SH*T."


* * * * *

Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest
and pease so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!




As per research
A man speaks 25,000 words daily
&
A woman speaks 30,000
Problem starts when husband comes home
from office after consuming his 25,000 words
&
wife starts her 30,000..


* * * * *


BEFORE MARRIAGE
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from the bottom going up


* * * * *


If you were Romeo and I were Juliet, our story would have been slightly different than the original one written by Shakespeare. We wouldn’t have died for each other in the end – we would have lived for each other even after the end. I love you.


* * * * *

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